New Year's Resolutions

Traditionally, this is the time for making New Year’s Resolutions – because of some arbitrary point at which a section of humankind have chosen to use as the end of one designated, numbered solar revolution and the beginning of the next. We can’t even agree as a species on the date – Jewish and Chinese new years are different for a start…

And why January? I can understand using midnight as a dividing point for days because it’s during the hours of darkness when our biology suggests we sleep (not that we always do – and it’s disconcerting to find yourself awake at 4am and realise it’s tomorrow and not worth going to bed now). But the middle of the winter? Why not have New Year’s Day in August, when we can spend the holiday on the beach? OK, given England’s weather, it’s still a risk, but a better one than January,

Anyway, after making plenty of resolutions I’ve kept for precisely the same length of time I kept writing in that lovely new diary I received every Christmas as a child – and often the resolution was to keep the diary – I stopped resolving several years ago, and just decided to make any changes to my life as and when I decided they were needed. For instance: having recognised caffeine-related moods I started replacing coffee with herbal tea. Do that repetitively and it becomes a habit – make a new year’s resolution and it lasts as long as the Christmas tree lights (yes, the new set’s gone wrong again this year…)

I have been asked so many times whether I’m making any New Year’s Resolutions though, that in desperation I have come up with some – ten, in fact. That seems to be the right number for rules you are expected to keep to….

So for 2010 I resolve:

1. Not to take up smoking or drugs

2. Not to join the BNP

3. To refrain from putting tomato ketchup on any of my food (because the stuff makes me feel nauseous).

4. Not to become a lesbian.
Note: this is not in any way meant as a slight on gay people of either gender, just a reflection of the fact that never in my life have I been remotely attracted to anyone nature has not seen fit to bless with testicles.

5. Not to become a member of any established church – especially not the Church of Scientology.

6. To read, and reread the poetry of Keats, TS Eliot, Shakespeare, Byron and any other writer that takes my fancy.

7. To eat chocolate in moderation (but I define – and if necessary redefine – what is meant by moderation).

8. Not to covet – or indeed cover – my neighbour’s ox.*

9. Not to associate with anyone with jam for brains.*

10. Not to put socks in the toaster.*

*I am indebted to St Eddie of Izzard for inspiring these very important resolutions.

Right 2010 – bring it on: I’m ready for you, and I confidently predict that these resolutions will last longer than any I’ve made before….

…..with the possible exception of No 7.

Just off to make some toast now.
Whoops – was that a pair of socks? Sorry – thought it was bread slices…..