Scene 1 Elsinore Castle, Battlements. Hamlet walking around
Enter Ghost
HAMLET
Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd,
Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell,
Be thy intents wicked or charitable,
Thou comest in such a questionable shape
That I will speak to thee: I'll call thee Hamlet,
King, father, royal Dane…..
GHOST
At bloody last!
I’ve been haunting these battlements for the last three nights and seen no one.
Where are my faithful guards, Marcellus and Bernardo?
HAMLET
They’ve been furloughed.
GHOST
And thy good friend Horacio, who is wont to visit thee here?
HAMLET
Self-isolating at Wittenberg. But good my lord
Let me not burst in ignorance; but tell
Why thy canonized bones, hearsed in death,
Have burst their cerements?
GHOST
I am thy father's spirit,
Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night….
HAMLET
Yes, yes – get on with it. We’re not allowed an interval, to stop the audience mixing, so hurry up.
GHOST
'Tis given out that, sleeping in my orchard,
A plague stung me; so the whole ear of Denmark
Is by a forged process of my death
Rankly abused: but know, thou noble youth,
The serpent that did sting thy father's life
Now wears his crown.
HAMLET
I knew he was a bad un.
GHOST
Upon my secure hour thy uncle stole,
With juice of cursed Covid in a vial,
And in the porches of my ears did pour…..
HAMLET
Hang on – can you actually catch it that way?
GHOST
Let’s not get too realistic. You are talking to a ghost here……
Anyway – just kill the bastard. Ok?
HAMLET
Yes dad.
Scene 2 The Palace. Enter Claudius, Gertrude and Hamlet.
CLAUDIUS
But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son,--
HAMLET
[Aside] A little more than kin, and less than kind.
KING CLAUDIUS
How is it that the clouds still hang on you?
HAMLET (ignoring them)
O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!
You’d want to kill yourself too as well
If you were stuck in a bubble with these two.
No sooner had dad died than my Uncle Claudius
Decided to marry my mother;
Guess it meant he could be part of our household
And get a bit of the other….
It is not nor it cannot come to good:
But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue.
GERTRUDE
Look how our son is rapt.
CLAUDIUS
Not too tightly wrapped if you ask me.
Where’s Polonius? He might have some idea what to do with him.
GERTRUDE
Parliament’s been suspended — Polonius is working from home.
CLAUDIUS
I’ll give him a call and ask him to send Ophelia over.
GERTRUDE
She can only meet Hamlet if they take their daily exercise together.
CLAUDIUS
And I’ll send for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
GERTRUDE
Travel is banned outside your local area.
CLAUDIUS
Damn. S’pose that means I can’t send Hamlet to England?
GERTRUDE
I think they’ve closed the airports. And he’d have to show a negative test and quarantine for ten days.
CLAUDIUS
Bugger.
Scene 3 Outside Elsinore Castle. Hamlet walking, Ophelia stalking.
HAMLET
To be, or not to be, that is the question,
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take…..
OPHELIA
Good my lord…..
HAMLET
Christ – can’t I soliloquise in peace? You’re not even supposed to be here – households can’s mix.
OPHELIA
Silly-quiz? On your own? Sounds like you need me – you loved me once.
HAMLET
Did I? Oh yeah – you can sit on my lap at the play tonight. I’m looking forward to that….
OPHELIA
The Players cancelled – theatres and performances are closed under the latest lockdown rules.
HAMLET
Shit – there goes another good plan.
The play’s the thing….
OPHELIA
What means my good lord?
HAMLET
Get thee to a nunnery – you should be safe from the virus there.
Exit Hamlet
OPHELIA
O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!
Scene 4. A graveyard
Hamlet approaches a gravedigger.
HAMLET
Whose grave's this, sirrah?
GRAVEDIGGER
Mine, sir.
HAMLET
I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.
GRAVEDIGGER
Is that meant to be some sort of Shakespearean joke?
HAMLET (picks up skull)
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest….
GRAVEDIGGER
That’s not Yorick actually – he’s over there. And Horatio’s still at uni… You mad or something?
HAMLET
I am but mad nor’nor’ west.
GRAVEDIGGER
That’s good – the plague comes from the east.
Enter funeral party.
HAMLET
What, the fair Ophelia! (Jumps into the grave).
GRAVEDIGGER
That’s got to be against regulations – she might be dead but…2 metres, please….
LAERTES
The devil take thy soul!
(Grappling with him)
CLAUDIUS
Pluck them asunder. They’re not even wearing masks.
(Aside) Don’t worry Laertes – I’ll sort it.
Scene 5 A room in the palace. Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fight.
HAMLET
These foils have all a length?
OSRIC
Ay, my good lord.
They fight. Hamlet is injured.
They swap swords. Laertes is injured.
GERTRUDE
The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.
HAMLET
Good madam!
CLAUDIUS
Gertrude, do not drink.
[Aside] It is the poison'd cup: it is too late.
HAMLET
O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd:
LAERTES
It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain;
I can no more: the king, the king's to blame.
HAMLET
A plague on both your houses – sorry, wrong play.
Then, venom, to thy work.
Stabs CLAUDIUS
Enter FORTINBRAS, the English Ambassadors, and others
FORTINBRAS
Where is this sight?
HAMLET
O, I die;
But I do prophesy the election lights
On Fortinbras: he has my dying voice.
FORTINBRAS
Ambassador – you have the Oxford vaccine – administer it to Hamlet.
Ambassador injects Hamlet.
FORTINBRAS
There – now would you like to explain what’s happened here?
HAMLET
A miracle! I’m cured. I’m King! I’m….
FORTINBRAS
…facing the charge of murdering Claudius….(looks around)…and Laertes.
Oh, and Polonius.
And we might ask for Ophelia and Gertrude’s deaths to be taken into account too.
You’re goin’ down mate.
HAMLET
Would it help if I said a ghost told me to do it?
FORTINBRAS
Better if you just plead insanity.
HAMLET
The rest is silence.
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