A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM
SCENE 1. THESEUS’S PALACE
THESEUS
Welcome, good Egeus: what's the news with thee?
EGEUS
Full of vexation come I, with complaint
Against my child, my daughter Hermia.
Stand forth, Demetrius. My noble lord,
This man hath my consent to marry her.
Stand forth, Lysander: and my gracious duke……
THESEUS
Yes, yes – but you know no marriage can take place.
Indeed the fair Hippolyta cannot be my wife
Until three moons have passed; this is the law
Laid down by our esteemed government.
So when at last this lockdown we put by
And free again to wed are all my subjects
Again your plea I’ll hear with all my heart
Till then, do us a favour and clear off out of it.
Exeunt all except Lysander and Hermia.
LYSANDER
How now, my love! why is your cheek so pale?
How chance the roses there do fade so fast?
HERMIA
Belike for want of rain, which I could well
Beteem them from the tempest of my eyes.
LYSANDER
Ay me! for aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth.
I have a widow aunt, a dowager
Of great revenue, and she hath no child:
From Athens is her house remote seven leagues;
And she respects me as her only son. –
And better still, she’s only in Tier One!
They run off.
Enter Helena
HELENA
How happy some o'er other some can be!
Through Athens I am thought as fair as she.
But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so;
He will not know what all but he do know:
I will go tell him of fair Hermia's flight
And we’ll run after them into the night.
SCENE 2 THE FOREST
QUINCE
Here is the scroll of every man's name, which is thought fit, through all Athens, to play in our interlude before the duke and the duchess, on his wedding-day at night.
BOTTOM
But, good Peter Quince, have you not heard – all weddings are banned while lockdown’s on.
QUINCE
Oh shit – I forgot.
Exeunt
Enter Oberon
OBERON
Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania.
TITANIA
What, jealous Oberon! Fairies, skip hence:
I have forsworn his bed and company.
OBERON
Why should Titania cross her Oberon?
I do but beg a little changeling boy,
To be my henchman.
TITANIA
Set your heart at rest:
The fairy land buys not the child of me.
He is in my bubble
And thou canst not come within two metres of him.
Exit
OBERON
Well, go thy way: thou shalt not from this grove
Till I torment thee for this injury.
My gentle Puck, come hither.
I once saw a plague like this we now have.
In Oxford I remember a scientist’s eye
It fell upon a little western flower,
Before milk-white, now purple with love's wound,
And maidens call it love-in-idleness.
Fetch me that flower; the herb I shew'd thee once:
The juice of it on sleeping eye-lids laid
Will make or man or woman immune to plague
Fetch me this herb; and be thou here again
Ere the leviathan can swim a league.
PUCK
I'll put a girdle round about the earth
In forty minutes.
Exit
OBERON
Having once this juice,
I'll watch Titania when she is asleep,
And drop the liquor of it in her eyes.
Exit
Enter Demetrius, with Helena in pursuit.
HELENA
I am your spaniel
DEMETRIUS
Sod off.
Exit
Enter Hermia and Lysander
LYSANDER (yawning)
One turf shall serve as pillow for us two;
HERMIA
No – keep two metres distant – you know the rule!
They fall asleep.
Enter Helena and Demetrius. Enter Puck who puts them to sleep.
PUCK (squeezing juice on their eyes)
When thou wakest,
Thou takest
Full protection
‘Gainst infection
With the vaccine’s help we see
You with your friends can safely be.
Enter OBERON
What about Titania?
PUCK
Small problem about her fancying a donkey, but think it’s sorted now.
Enter Theseus
THESEUS
Can we get married now?
OBERON
Not till you’ve had your vaccines.
THESEUS
I really cannot believe all this crap is really happening….
PUCK
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream.
But the virus is real, sad to say
So we’re staying at home to keep safe today.
THE END
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